The Potato Head
by case785
Summary: George is discovered as the face of Mr. Potato Head.


SEINFELD: The Potato Head  
By Liam McNicholas  
  
SCENE 1  
(Jerry sits in Monk's coffee shop.)  
  
JERRY: What are you doing?  
  
(George comes up from under the table.)  
  
GEORGE: I don't believe this.  
JERRY: What?  
GEORGE: I just bought these new pairs of sneakers.  
JERRY: So?  
GEORGE: When I tried them on in the store they fit perfectly. Now they're too big. Either these shoes have grown or I've shrunk.  
JERRY: Well, Inspector Costanza, it's a mystery. Where'd you buy 'em?  
GEORGE: That new place down on 8th Avenue.  
JERRY: There's your problem.  
GEORGE: What?  
JERRY: 8th Avenue? That's four blocks away, you've never walked so far in your life.  
GEORGE: It was a long way.  
JERRY: When your feet get tired, they swell up.  
GEORGE: Swell up? Why?  
JERRY: When things get sick and tired, they grow. Like your head.  
  
(George doesn't look happy at this comment.)  
  
SCENE 2  
(Jerry's Apartment. Jerry is on the phone.)  
  
WOMAN'S VOICE (over phone): I'm not here at the moment, please leave a message.  
JERRY: Hi, Julie, it's Jerry. I had a great time last night, I thought we could do it again. Bye.  
  
(Kramer has entered. While Jerry is talking, he goes over to Jerry's stove. He attempts to light up his cuban cigar on it, and fails.)  
  
JERRY: Hey, Kramer, what are you doing?  
  
(Kramer tries again, and his cigar nearly explodes. He jumps back into Jerry's fridge, yelping.)  
  
JERRY (putting the stove out): Kramer, please, I'm begging you, just use a match!  
KRAMER: Jerry, matches are out! You gotta catch up with the times, buddy. (He checks his shirt pocket.) Oh, man!  
JERRY: What now?  
KRAMER: Hold it right there.  
  
(He leaves, just as Jerry's intercom sounds. He goes over to it.)  
  
JERRY: Hey.  
ELAINE'S VOICE: It's me.  
JERRY: Come on up.  
  
(Kramer re-enters.)  
  
KRAMER: I'm in big trouble buddy!  
JERRY: What is it?  
KRAMER: I'm out of Cubans! That was my last one!  
JERRY: So get some more.  
KRAMER: You don't understand, I can't get them anywhere else. My supply line's dry! Hey, maybe I could ask Susan's dad for some more?  
JERRY: You gotta be kidding. First you vomit on her, you burn down their family cabin, then Susan dies, and you're going to ask Mr. Ross for some cuban cigars.  
KRAMER: Forgive and forget?  
JERRY: I don't think so.  
KRAMER: Well, I'm out of options Jerry!  
  
(He leaves, as Elaine comes in. She is eating french fries out of a bucket.)  
  
ELAINE: Hey.  
JERRY: Hey. What are you eating?  
ELAINE: What? Oh, I was on this bus trip and we stopped off at one of those fast food places.  
JERRY: I thought you didn't really like fast food?  
ELAINE: I know, but I was so hungry. These really aren't that bad.  
  
SCENE 3  
(The Shoe Shop. George is at the front desk.)  
  
ASSISTANT: I'm sorry sir, there's nothing we can do.  
GEORGE: You won't get away with this. You just lost a customer!  
  
(He storms away, fuming. A little boy wonders near him. He is holding a Mr. Potato Head. The little boy looks at his doll, then at George.)  
  
LITTLE BOY: Mr. Potato Head!  
  
SCENE 4  
(Elaine's Office. She is making a paper plane. She is about to throw it when someone enters. Sarah, her assistant.)  
  
SARAH: Ms. Benes. here's your salad burger.  
ELAINE: Thanks.  
  
(She opens her package and picks up her salad burger. She notices a bucket of fries. She taps her intercom.)  
  
ELAINE: Sarah, please tell that food place that I do not want fries! This happens every time.  
SARAH: Sorry, Ms. Benes.  
  
(Elaine goes to throw the fries in the bin, but suddenly stops. She licks her lips. After a moment of indecision, she begins to eat, greedily.)  
  
SCENE 5  
(Kramer's Apartment. Kramer is on the phone.)  
  
KRAMER: Hello, Mr Ross? This is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer. Friend of Jerry's. Friend of George's. (He pulls back a little at the reply.) I was wondering if you could spare me some more -  
  
(He breaks off as he listens in shock to the reply. He slams down the phone, misses, and falls off the sofa.)  
  
SCENE 5  
(Large office. George is sitting behind a large desk, looking nervous. Then, Mr Woods enters, followed by Mr Lewis.)  
  
WOODS: So, this is him. (Takes a long look at George.) Yes. Yes, I see it.  
GEORGE: Er, see what, exactly?  
WOODS: Potential. I see potential, Lewis.  
LEWIS: Yes, sir!  
WOODS: Let me explain, Mr Costanza. You do of course know of Mr Potato Head.  
GEORGE: Oh, yes indeed sir.  
LEWIS: My son saw you in the mall on 8th Avenue. He came running back to me, his face aglow. He had seen Mr Potato Head. Then I saw you myself. A vision, a myth, come to life.  
WOODS: You, Mr Costanza. Now, what we want to do is put you out on the screens as the new face of Mr Potato Head.  
GEORGE (shocked): Excuse me! Some little kid has a delusion, and you have the nerve to compare me to a potato?! I think -  
WOODS: It would involve a six-month contract with substantial pay.  
GEORGE: Brilliant idea, sir! You have come to the right man!  
LEWIS: Congratulations, Mr Costanza.  
WOODS: Congratulations, Mr Potato Head.  
  
SCENE 6  
(Jerry's Apartment. Jerry is watching TV. Kramer slides in.)  
  
KRAMER: I need help, Jerry!  
JERRY: You're telling me.  
KRAMER: I don't know where to turn! All my avenues have been closed up! I'm dry, Jerry!  
JERRY: Well, I don't know what you want me to do about it.  
KRAMER: Wait a second. I know a guy who can help me. A man with connections. Connections to people in high places, and low places. A man who's not afraid to sink to any depths to achieve his aims.  
JERRY: Don't tell me! Not -  
KRAMER: Newman!  
  
SCENE 7  
(Elaine walks down a busy street. Suddenly, she sees a shop advertising health food. As nostalgic music flares up, she sees a stand with a large stand advertising "HOT CHIPS". She gazes longingly at both, before sprinting to the fast food stand. She buys a bucket, and runs off into the distance.)  
  
SCENE 8  
(Late night outside Jerry's building. Jerry and Julie are trying to hail a cab without success.)  
  
JERRY: You want to come upstairs?  
JULIE: I- I can't.  
JERRY: Why?  
JULIE: Please!  
JERRY: Come on.  
JULIE (hesitates): Alright.  
  
(Jerry's Apartment. Jerry sleeps on the sofa. The sound of a shutting door wakes him. He sits up.)  
  
JERRY: Julie?  
  
(He goes to the door and looks down the corridor.)  
  
JERRY: Julie! I'll call you!  
  
SCENE 9  
(Laundry room. It is very dark, and about midnight. Kramer enters. Newman is in the corner, in black clothes.)  
  
NEWMAN: I was beginning to think you weren't coming.  
KRAMER: Newman?  
NEWMAN: Oh, yes. So, my little friend, I here you are in some quandry.  
KRAMER: I need help, Newman.  
NEWMAN: Oh yes, I've seen it before. Poor wretches like yourself, succumbing to the silky temptation of the exotic cigar. Oh yes, I've seen it many times before!  
KRAMER: Help me, Newman! Help me!!  
NEWMAN: Very well. You are a true friend, Kramer. It wrenches my heart from my chest to see you like this. I will help you!  
KRAMER: Speak to me, Newman!  
NEWMAN: Understand this! The road you are about to embark on is dark, and twisted, and there is no turning back. If you committ yourself to this path, then heed my warning! Cosmo Kramer: Beware!  
  
(Kramer is looking worried. Suddenly, one of the washing machines beeps.)  
  
NEWMAN: Ooh, there's my socks!  
  
SCENE 10  
(Jerry's Apartment, morning. Kramer enters slowly. He's very nervous.)  
  
JERRY: Hey.  
KRAMER: Yeah... Oh, hey Jerry! How's it going!!  
JERRY: Fine. What's wrong, Kramer?  
KRAMER: I don't know what you're talking about!  
JERRY: Come on, Kramer.  
KRAMER: Lay off me, buddy, I got nothin' to say!  
JERRY: Alright, Cosmo, spill the beans!  
KRAMER: Listen, Seinfeld, this ain't business you wanna know about, so just stick to your little bar gigs and stay outta my way!  
JERRY: OK.  
KRAMER: I just gotta borrow something.  
  
(He goes into Jerry's bedroom. Jerry's intercom buzzes.)  
  
JERRY: Hey.  
GEORGE'S VOICE: Me.  
  
(Kramer comes out with a baseball bat.)  
  
JERRY: What do you want with that?  
KRAMER: You don't want to know.  
  
(Kramer exits. George enters.)  
  
GEORGE: You know who you are looking at?  
JERRY: I'm sorry, I'm new here.  
GEORGE: You are looking at the new face of Mr. Potato Head!  
JERRY: No kidding?  
GEORGE: I met with the guy who runs that new toy store down on 8th Avenue. He want me to be the advertising guy! I'm gonna be on TV! He said I had potential!  
JERRY (laughing): Potential? You've got less potential than brussel sprouts at a school canteen.  
GEORGE: Not the point!  
JERRY: So what next Potato Boy?  
GEORGE: I got an interview today.  
  
SCENE 11  
(Mr. Woods office. George is being interviewed by Lewis.)  
  
LEWIS: Do you have any previous experience in televison?  
GEORGE: Actually, I did a comedy pilot for NBC.  
LEWIS: Really? What was that?  
GEORGE: Show called 'Jerry'.  
LEWIS: I think I saw that! What was it about, again?  
GEORGE: I don't know, something...  
  
SCENE 12  
(Elaine's Apartment. Elaine is still asleep, four empty chip buckets next to her.)  
  
SCENE 13  
(Costanza house. Frank and Estelle are having lunch.)  
  
FRANK: What the hell is this?  
ESTELLE: Tomato sandwich.  
FRANK: Tomato?! What am I, a health nut?!  
ESTELLE: It'll do you good!  
FRANK: It's poison!  
  
(Suddenly, George's voice can be heard on the TV.)  
  
GEORGE'S VOICE: Come down to Wood's Toys, I'm there to meet you!  
ESTELLE: Oh my god!  
  
SCENE 12  
(The Airport. Kramer has entered. Over this, we hear Newman's voice.)  
  
NEWMAN'S VOICE: When you arrive at the airport, you will see a tall woman, drinking a bottle of lemonade, leaning against the wall.  
  
(Kramer sees the woman.)  
  
NEWMAN'S VOICE: Do not approach her. When she puts the drink in the bin, it is safe to continue to the cafeteria.  
  
(The woman puts the drink in the bin, and walks off.)  
  
NEWMAN'S VOICE: When you arrive at the cafeteria, proceed to the sports section of the nearby newsagent. On the opposite side of the rack, a man will give you the gate and arrival time.  
  
(Kramer goes into the newsagent, and emerges a few moment later.)  
  
NEWMAN'S VOICE: Proceed to the gate. I will be waiting there.  
  
(Kramer arrives at the gate, but there is no sign of Newman.)  
  
NEWMAN (whispering): Kramer!  
  
(Kramer turns to see that Newman is behind the desk wearing an airport uniform.)  
  
KRAMER: Newman?!  
NEWMAN: The package is about to be delivered. You have five minutes to get to Gate 14.  
  
(Outside the airport, Kramer exits with a large carry-all slung over his shoulder. He gets into a van, and pulls a cigar out of the bag.)  
  
KRAMER: Oh yeah!  
  
SCENE 13  
(Julie's Apartment. Jerry is knocking on the door.)  
  
JERRY: Julie, it's Jerry! Are you there?  
  
(Julie opens the door. She looks as though she has just woken up.)  
  
JERRY: Julie?  
JULIE: You woke me up, what's the matter?  
JERRY: Woke you up? At four in the afternoon?  
JULIE: What do you want, Jerry?  
JERRY: Ah, nothing. I'll call in later.  
JULIE: Bye.  
  
(She shuts the door. Jerry notices that there is a little model of an owl on her door.)  
  
JERRY: Help!  
  
SCENE 14  
(Jerry's Apartment, the next day.)  
  
GEORGE: I've never had so much fun in my life! I've found my calling, Jerry!  
JERRY (short-tempered): Well, good on you, George, I'm really happy for you!  
GEORGE: What's the matter with you?  
JERRY: This woman I'm dating, Julie, she's an owl!  
GEORGE: What do you mean, an owl?  
JERRY: She sleeps during the day and stays awake at night! When I was at her house last night, I got no sleep! She was just sitting there watching me!  
GEORGE: You look a little scared.  
JERRY (meek): I'm a little scared.  
  
(Elaine enters. She is licking her fingers.)  
  
GEORGE: Well, I gotta go. I've got another meeting with Woods today.  
  
(He leaves.)  
  
ELAINE: Hey.  
JERRY: What are you doing?  
ELAINE: What?  
JERRY: You're on the fries again, aren't you?  
ELAINE (nearly crying): I can't stop! I'm addicted! That salty explosion, the soft crunch! Help me Jerry!  
JERRY: Wait a second. I know a guy who can help me. A man with connections. Connections to people in high places, and low places. A man who's not afraid to sink to any depths to achieve his aims.  
ELAINE: Don't tell me! Not -  
JERRY: Newman!  
  
SCENE 15  
(Mr Wood's office. George enters. Woods does not look happy.)  
  
GEORGE: Mr Woods!  
WOODS: George, we have a problem  
GEORGE (sarcastic): Of course we do.  
WOODS: We have no more Mr Potato Head's. They were all destroyed in a fire. Some idiot was in a van and he threw a lit cigar into our factory.  
GEORGE: Cigar? Kramer!  
  
SCENE 16  
(Kramer's Apartment. George knocks on the door. Kramer answers it, smoking.)  
  
KRAMER: Hey, Georgy!  
GEORGE: You idiot! You destroyed the Mr Potato Head factory! I'm out of a job!  
KRAMER: That's a shame.  
GEORGE: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it?!  
KRAMER: I don't - hang on a sec. I can put you in touch with someone that can help you.  
  
SCENE 17  
(The Coffee Shop. Jerry and George are there. George is eating fries.)  
  
GEORGE: So Kramer said he can help me. Jerry?  
  
(Jerry is falling asleep. He starts awake.)  
  
JERRY: What happened?  
GEORGE: You nodded off for a second there.  
JERRY: Don't you see what's happening? I'm becoming Owl Man! What am I going to do?  
GEORGE: Break up with her.  
JERRY: I can't. I'm too scared. She is really freaking me out.  
  
(He watches George eat his chips. An idea occurs to him. He gets up to leave.)  
  
JERRY: I'll see you later.  
  
SCENE 18  
(Julie's Apartment. Jerry offers Julie a chip.)  
  
JERRY: Come on, just one!  
JULIE: I don't really like fast food.  
JERRY: Just one.  
  
(Julie eats one. She nods her head, impressed.)  
  
SCENE 19  
(The Airport. George is waiting with Jerry.)  
  
JERRY: So now she's addicted to chips! She went into retreat and dumped me!  
GEORGE: That's real sweet. Alright, you'd better get out of here. It's time.  
  
(Jerry leaves. A man walks past George and leaves a blue holdall. George looks about, picks it up, and leaves. Newman sees a security guard follow him, and he begins to laugh.)  
  
THE END  
  
(George's car. He opens the bag, which reveals guns.)  
  
GEORGE: What?! Newman!  
  
(He hears a police siren.)  
  
GEORGE: This isn't going to be good.  
  
(Laundry Room. It is about midnight. Elaine enters. Newman is in the corner, wearing dark clothes.)  
  
NEWMAN: I was beginning to think you weren't coming.  
ELAINE: Newman?  
NEWMAN: Oh, yes. So, my little friend, I here you are in some quandry.  
ELAINE: I need help, Newman.  
NEWMAN: Oh yes, I've seen it before. Poor wretches like yourself, succumbing to the salty temptation of the french fry. Oh yes, I've seen it many times before!  
ELAINE (Not impressed): Oh god. 


End file.
